HUMOUR PAGE
Send any funny stories to [email removed] They must be CLEAN.
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:
£500 If we fail to fill your order!When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five £100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time mate, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
This next joke seems to be a bit of a novelette - so before you begin reading it we suggest that you get your cup of tea or your favourite bevvy and draw up your armchair (you will thank us later).
It is the year of our Lord 1294, Edward "longshanks" King of England rides north with an army of 40,000 men, to meet William Wallace in Battle. As he approaches the Scottish border, he stops and standing up in his stirrups he shouts across the border "People of Scotland, I am Edward King of England and soon to be Scotland, if you want to survive, all you have to do is bow down before me and pledge your loyalty to me."
A lone figure appears on the horizon and shouts back "Go home you English Tyrants you are not wanted here." Edward is raging and orders Sir Guy to despatch four cavalrymen and ride this arrogant Scot down and kill him. The four horsemen set out and as they near the Scot, he runs behind a hill hotly pursued by the English cavalry. Five minutes pass and the lone Scot reappears shouting " Is that the best you can do? your men fight like girls, if that's the best you can do, you will never take Scotland."
Edward is by now shaking with rage and orders Sir Guy to send forty men this time, telling them not to return unless they bear the corpse of this arrogant Scot.
The forty English Cavalry set out once again and as they near the vociferous Scot, he runs behind the hill, hotly pursued by the forty horsemen. Ten minutes pass and the lone Scotsman appears at the top of the hill. "Are you really telling me that's the best you can do ? You are not fit to be called King, let alone King of Scotland."Edward by this time requires sedation and is held down by six men. he tells Sir Guy "this time take four hundred men and lead them yourself, and don't return unless you kill this Scottish swine."
The four hundred horsemen set out led by Sir Guy, speeding toward the lone Scot, as in previous attempts the Scot disappears behind the hill, hotly pursued by the English Cavalry.
Twenty minutes pass and Sir Guy appears at the top of the hill, but what a mess. He is covered in blood, his armour is bent and twisted and it is obvious that his wounds are fatal.
Despite the pain, he cups his hands to his mouth and shouts back to his king with his final breath. "Sire! it's a trap, there are two of them!!!
With thanks to the "weeguppyman"
| After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix,
the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain
in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt against the gate. Once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to
the terminal." Jim @candoo.com in Canada |
Kid Prayer IV" Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask the Lord to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me" |
A man is driving down a deserted stretch
of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: |
A farmer was milking the cow when he heard a buzzing
sound. He looked up to see a fly pestering the cow. The cow flapped her ear to shoo it
off, but the fly disappeared into her ear. The farmer wiped his brow, went back to
milking, and then noticed the fly swimming in the milk pail. "How did
that happen?" the farmer wondered aloud. The fly panted, "In one ear and out the udder! "Kid Prayer V" "Kid Prayer VI" It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says "You know, you're really a
lousy lover." I think politicians and nappies have one thing in common. |
| Remember to always lend a helping hand..................... A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. I'm not getting out of bed at this time, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk."Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk!" says the husband, "He could be dangerous out on the road." "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband, out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" He hears a voice in the darkness, cry out, "Yeah please!" Still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger hollers: "I'm over here, on your swing!" |
A medical student was in the morgue one
day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..." The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again. "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..." "So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student. "Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music." (thanks to Jim again) On their way home after celebrating their 25th. anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening. "Oh. it's not over yet", says he. Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation, "But what are these two little pills?" "Aspirin", says he. "But I don't have a headache," says she. "There you are, I told you the evening wasn't over yet," says he. |
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